


Lost One

by rozberries



Category: Ghost (Sweden Band)
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Demonic Ghouls, Era 4 Ghouls, Gender-Neutral Pronouns, Other, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt, Telepathy, don't worry he saves them, first person reader insert, gender neutral reader
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-11
Updated: 2018-09-11
Packaged: 2019-07-11 04:45:11
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,305
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15964985
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rozberries/pseuds/rozberries
Summary: Cling to life, to whatever gives you a reason.





	Lost One

It was something unholy, and raw, and filled with ceaseless ecstasy.

  
  


Thousands of us, pounding feet, screaming out along until our throats were raw. I was right there along with them, begging for release, my legs sore from jumping and voice nearly gone hoarse. Pure, vivid energy suffused the room; I recalled the Third's old speeches and laughed to myself. His salacious commentary was true, in a way. This was not a mere performance; this was all of us in union, hearts beating in time and shaking with pleasure. I felt like any hand I touched would be open, any lips would be welcome to brush mine. We were all as one.

  
  


Together, as one. Heh.

  
  


I'd chosen it because of this, because I never felt so wonderfully alive as I did at a ritual, my heartbeat in time with thousands of others along with the music that reached into my soul. I didn't want insipid flowers or meaningless platitudes or tearful messages to people who couldn't care less about me. I wanted this life, this unholy fire blazing in me and everyone else before its inferno consumed us. I cried, but I was singing along.

  
  


The Cardinal knelt in front of a woman, taking her hand as he sang; the awe and fear and excitement in her eyes made my own water even more. No doubt she would view this as one of the best moments of her life, if she had any sense. It was good to see; I liked other people being happy, even if I wasn't. Around me, most of us close to the stage battled to get ever closer, desperately hoping for one of Them to notice their devotion, their love. I would have liked it myself, but I didn't have the energy to battle. I just wanted to sing, and breathe in the magic.

  
  


Some of the ghouls paced the stage as well, and they'd cast out glances to the crowd-how they saw much through the masks I didn't know, but you could feel their gaze on you, like that of a specter. I was concentrating on remembering the lyrics through my tears, and almost didn't notice when the Aether ghoul looked at me and cocked his head. Curious? Maybe. I didn't care. I flashed a wink at him, giving him a thumbs up, and kept singing.

  
  


The drums kept pounding, and I could feel my heart pounding just as hard in my chest. It was going to end soon, if I remembered the time right, and I banished the thought as soon as it came. For now I paid the clock no mind, focused only on the music, and jumped with the other worshipers when a new bruising beat began. Sweat dripped down my neck, but I didn't care.

  
  


The Cardinal began to sing a new song, It's a Sin if I was correct, his voice rippling over us as a sultry spell; I could see plenty of the girls near him swooning as he strode across the stage and rolled my eyes. He was handsome enough, I suppose, in the way of older men, but personally my eyes were always drawn by the ghouls. Part of it was the outfits, I knew-I couldn't resist a man or woman who cut a sharp figure in a suit. But most of it was the aura that surrounded them, otherworldly and somehow sensual. They seemed far more present, more alive, to me at this ritual than the Cardinal did, and frankly, they always had. (In all honesty, I was biased against the poor man, as I'd been extremely fond of the Third and wasn't happy about his 'retirement'.)

  
  


I raised my eyes to the stage again, and almost laughed as I felt Aether's gaze on me, still fixated on the only attendee who was crying, I assumed. I waved, though, smiling widely, and this time, in a break in the song, he waved back, and my grin grew wider. That was the most recognition I'd ever received from one of Them, and even with my plans it made me feel a small bit of happiness; I clung to it, desperately trying to keep it fresh in my mind.

  
  


We jumped, we sang, and my eyes began to hurt from dehydration. Dewdrop tossed one of his picks into the crowd on an intermission, and a small scuffle occurred between those trying to get at it. I snickered to myself at the sight. Throughout the rest of the show, I kept my eyes on Aether; it almost seemed like he was doing the same. Often I'd look back at him from a momentary distraction, and we'd lock eyes across the sea of people. It made me slightly giddy.

  
  


When I heard Square Hammer start, my chest seized up, and I pushed through the crowd towards the stage; people shouted in my ear, but I didn't care. For some reason, I _had_ to get closer, and if someone shoved me hard enough to leave bruises, I'd deal with it. Several elbows caught me in the ribs as I went, and there was more than one shout of 'fuck you!' as I went, but finally I reached the barriers and gripped them tightly, my gaze not on the singer strutting about the stage but rather on the rhythm guitarist, who was still watching me as he played. The rest of the world seemed to fade away for those minutes, as though there was nothing but the two of us that existed.

  
  


Then, everything stopped.

  
  


I blinked, the tears clinging to my eyelashes blurring my vision, and wiped my sleeve over my eyes. The ritual was over; they lined up on the stage and bowed as one, arms around each other, before they split off toward the meet and greet area. I caught Aether's gaze on me one last time before a swarm of eager worshipers swept them all away, into the night air for quick photos and merch signings. I was quickly left alone in front of the stage, their multitudes of groupies already beginning to clear away their equipment.

  
  


My ears rang, and I swayed on my feet a little before I shook myself and meandered through the venue, trying to fix it firmly in my mind. When I exited the stage area, I cast a longing look at the meet and greet, but I hadn't been able to afford the ticket level for it. So I merely stood on my tiptoes, balancing against a fence, until I saw Them, talking and laughing with fans, signing things; I could even spot Aether among them, taking a photo with another fan. I smiled, still weeping, and blew a kiss in his direction before I took one last look at the stage and then turned toward the trees.

  
  


This venue had been interesting for many reasons, the largest one being that it was an open air concert less then a mile away from an old bridge that had once connected the two sides of the valley. It was my destination, so I shifted my backpack and set off into the woods, humming Cirice under my breath. The walk wasn't far, but it was a bit rough, and I tripped over stones and branches several times, both of my knees scraped up by the time I found the bridge.

  
  


Its rusty scaffolding still hung in place, but weeds grew up through the cracked blacktop, and there was no missing the large crack in the middle of the bridge, separating into rebar and steel and concrete. There had been something wrong with the supports, or the structure-during rush hour one day, the middle had caved in and sent twenty cars down into the valley. Twenty-four people died, and it was condemned by the state; they set up long fences around the edges, posted signs, and built a new bridge a few miles away, to avoid the same mistake.

  
  


They'd never taken out the guard rails, though.

  
  


Wind whistled in my ears as I crept closer to that edge, my palms damp where I clung to my backpack straps. My sobs were easily audible now, with no speakers to silence them, and I felt like my chest was caving in. I gripped at the rusty steel, looking down; it wasn't yet dark, and I could see the treetops and piles of talus that laid at the bottom of the valley.

  
  


My fingers dug into the steel guard rail, dragging rust up under my nails. I swallowed, and sobbed again, unable to tear my eyes away from that drop. The backpack slipped from my arms and fell to the ground as I braced one foot on top of the guardrail and closed my eyes.

 

Then, I heard a growl.

 

My heart jumped in my chest, instincts still going even through my own near death, and I stepped back down and turned; Aether stood a few feet away from me, hands behind his back, head tilted. Curious, again. My nails screeched against the guardrail as I tightened my fists. A strangled sound came out of my mouth; maybe it was supposed to be a question, or a curse. I didn't know. I could only stare at him.

 

He took a step forward, then another. I was rooted to my spot, mind whirling. He'd been at the back greeting people, I'd seen him. How was he here now? There was no way he could have gotten over here before me, I would have _seen_ him.

 

More steps, and now we were barely three feet apart. He could see the tearstreaks on my face, the redness in my eyes. Probably he could hear my heartbeat, going double-time, confused and nervous at his presence. I could reach out and touch him if I wanted to.

 

Oh, to hell with it. I was about to kill myself anyway.

 

I closed the gap between us and placed my hands on his chest, gazing wonderingly up at him; he took a deep, shuddering breath and gripped my wrists, though not hard enough to be painful. He was warm, far warmer than me; I could feel it even through the suit. His eyes were burning behind the mask.

 

_Why are you doing this?_

 

I started, and his grip became tighter.

 

_Why are you trying to kill yourself?_

 

“How are you inside my head?” I asked shakily, ignoring my rising panic and the rolling of my stomach. Aether came closer, releasing my hands only to cup my face, tilting my head up. He was much taller than me, and I felt very small, but...safe.

 

_Answer my questions and I will answer yours._

 

I closed my eyes, wanting to escape that intense stare, but I felt it still even in the dark. When I opened them again, I started to cry, this time managing to be silent. He brushed a thumb over my cheek and wiped them away.

 

“This was the last thing I was going to do,” I whispered, gazing up into pools of black. “There isn't anything for me to do on this earth. I'm useless. I just wanted one last ritual before I went.”

 

He cocked his head again, gaze still pinned on mine. _You breathe, do you not? Then you are not useless. Living is the only use we have._

 

“But it isn't enough,” I cried out, and cried harder after it, no longer able to keep silent. It hurt too much, my heart, my thoughts, everything that encompassed me. He sighed, and pulled me to him, laying my head against his chest and holding me tight. I sobbed, and sobbed, until I was half limp; it was only his arms that held me up.

 

Eventually my knees gave out, and I expected to hit the blacktop, but instead Aether picked me up and cradled me as though I were no heavier then a child. I looked at him in confusion, a slight heat coming to my cheeks. We were so close, close enough that we could kiss.

 

_You say there's nothing holding you to this earth? Family? Friends? Dreams?_

 

“I haven't spoken to anyone in my family in years,” I whispered, closing my eyes and tucking my head under his chin. His heartbeat thumped, warm and steady, in my ear. “We don't get along. The friends I have are the kind that you only speak to on Facebook and meet up with at high school reunions to awkwardly make small talk. And all my dreams died years ago.”

 

I sniffled. “It sounds horribly melodramatic, but it's true. I haven't felt really alive in years. My parents always said I'd be a deadbeat...I just hate that I proved them right.”

 

_They told you this, and they refuse to speak to you? Even though they birthed you?_

 

“They wanted a different child then the one they got.” I mumbled, bitterly. His embrace became tighter.

 

_Then come with me. With us._

 

I lifted my head and stared at him, mouth dropping open in shock. Aether met my eyes evenly.

 

_If I leave you here, you will kill yourself. Maybe not now, but in the future. Given a choice, I'd choose bringing you with me any day._

 

“Bringing me...where?”

 

_Where do you think?_

 

I twisted to look over at the concert venue, lights already fading away. Most of the other attendees were gone, the few stragglers getting ready to go. Janitors were sweeping up the stage and groupies were clearing away equipment, but the stained glass paintings still stood proud and true. The spotlight that had shone on painted Lucifer's head was turned off, but I could still see his face, even through the coming dark.

 

Aether's eyes were burning black fire. He held me in place with his gaze; no matter what I did, I couldn't bring myself to look away. I could almost taste the hellfire on his breath.

 

“But...what would I do? Where would I go? If I'm useless up here I'm useless down th-”

 

_You would go where we would go. You would do whatever you wished to. You want to be useful? We will find you a use. And if you wish it...we will make you one of ours. You would not be the first mortal to join our flock._

 

I couldn't breathe; my head was spinning. Reality reordered itself around me, and a feverish haze coated my vision. “It's real? It's all real?”

 

To answer that, he put me back on my feet and pulled off one of his gloves, revealing grayish skin with sharp black talons filed down. When I, trembling, took his hand, it was hotter than anyone I had ever touched. He traced my cheekbones with his free hand, and I half closed my eyes, leaning into the touch.

 

_I cannot stay much longer. We must move where the Cardinal sends us. Answer me, lost one._

 

I thought about my life, how easy it would be to die. My boss would replace me in a month or two, vaguely remember my face when the obituary was printed. My parents would cast aside the letter with an angry curse, returning to the children who had done what they wanted them to. My screen names would go silent, and some people would theorize, but as the months went by, the knowledge of my death would come as a dull revelation, and then they'd forget me as well. My apartment was empty and not even half unpacked; no one awaited me there, not even a pet. I'd settled everything down expecting to die.

 

“Yes, I'll do it,” I whispered, hoarse from crying. Aether purred, pulling me into him and lifting me off the ground for a moment, a startled gasp escaping my lips. He held me close, letting me soak in his warmth; I expected to feel infantilized, but it only felt like I was something precious, something he wanted to keep safe. I pressed my face into his neck again, a few small sobs escaping me.

 

_Cry as much as you need to. I'll be here._

 

The other ghouls noticed us first when we walked back to the bus, my hand held tightly in his, where they were still packing up, and despite the masks, their surprise was easily visible. I could have sworn I heard one of them choke on their own spit. The Cardinal stared openly, nearly dropping his cane as we came up to the bus; he'd already changed into that leather getup he liked so much. His brows furrowed with either worry, or anger, I couldn't tell which.

 

“Aether, what in Lucifer's name are you-”

 

He was cut off by Aether's mindspeech, somehow broadcast to all of the other ghouls as well as the Cardinal by how they all jumped. He wrapped his arms around me and held on even tighter, protectively, and let out a low hiss. The bass player, Rain, dropped the package of strings he was holding.

 

_They are prepared to die, Copia, if we do not take them. So we will._

 

“I-well-”

 

_If you decide to fight, I will tell Nihil about your woman and her plans. I will give every detail I know. As she is yours, they are_ _**mine** _ _._

 

I shivered in his grasp at that word, goosebumps trickling down my neck, and for a moment, his eyes flicked back to mine. My breath stopped, and I couldn't look away. Heat flooded me, both my face and...other areas better not mentioned. I sternly ordered my libido to go away, now was not the time.

 

The Cardinal sputtered, his ears going pink with anger and embarrassment, and instinctively I moved in front of Aether, trying to turn so I could shield him somewhat if the Cardinal got violent. This time, I was sure I heard someone choke; looking around, Dewdrop was coughing, loudly, with the ghoulette I'd heard called Cumulus beating on his back with a closed fist.

 

“Very-very well, then, bring them-but _you_ will be explaining to Sister Imperator why you brought an uninitiated human with us, and _you_ are to make sure they don't get into anything they shouldn't!” the Cardinal snapped, still pink-eared and running his hands through his hair to calm himself. His eyes went to me, then, and I shivered at the dual toned gaze, this time out of fear. He was upset, obviously, but something about those eyes spoke of something more than that. The cane came up and lifted my chin, the cold metal leeching heat from my skin.

 

“Welcome to the clergy, lost one,” he stated with more than a hint of poison, scanning my face and body minutely before he pulled his cane back. Aether growled under his breath. “I look forward to seeing what you can do.”

 

He entered the tour bus and snapped his fingers, stalking up the steps. Slowly, the other ghouls began packing up once more; now that they apparently saw I knew the truth, out of the corner of my eye I could see flashes of long tails lashing against thighs, and a hint of gray skin in the gaps between clothing. Often their eyes went to me, searching, for what I didn't know. Aether kept holding me for a moment longer, but one of the other ghouls must have said something to him, because he hissed over his shoulder, carried me into the bus, and carefully deposited me on one of the curtained bunk beds.

 

_I will be back as soon as I can. Stay here, and don't worry. Sleep if you must._

 

“Okay,” I whispered, and he ran a hand down my cheek again before he pulled the curtain shut. When it settled, I pressed my fingertips to my cheek, as if I could feel the ghost of his touch if I did. In my head, I still could.

 

Carefully, I pulled off my sneakers and set them on the floor outside the bunk so I didn't get the bedding dirty. Then I pulled off my backpack with shaking hands, and considered saying a prayer of thanks that I had packed it as I always had rather than leaving it empty when I left. Then I remembered my present company, and winced slightly, looking up at the ceiling on reflex. That probably wasn't a good idea.

 

I still had my ID, a little cash, a baseball cap, and a rain coat to my name; other things were less important, like a few scattered hair ties, or the empty sport bottle I'd filled up before I left and drank during the concert. I didn't have much else, and I could only assume I'd be provided for, somehow. Aether said I wasn't the first...and there had been a few rumors, about people disappearing at shows, people that had been very devoted to the mythos. Maybe they had been like me.

 

In my head, I made a new list of actions to take as I repacked, crossing out the mental steps out to the fall I'd planned. The adrenaline high I rode had temporarily chased away my depression, and I was taking all the opportunities I got. I listened carefully to the sounds of the ghouls and groupies finishing cramming the bus full of stuff, and then more mumbling I couldn't make out from behind the curtain. Feet tramped up the stairs and down the bus; my heart lurched unpleasantly as the engine roared to life, and I watched the stage slowly roll away as the bus pulled out of the lot and onto the road. There were more footsteps, low murmurs of conversation that sounded like a foreign language, and then silence.

 

I _should_ have been panicking, I knew. I _should_ have just gone through with my original plan. But I didn't want to die right now, not knowing there really were strange and wonderful forces at work in this world. And leaving my life behind was the more sensible option then the other I'd planned to take, or at least I imagined it was in a slightly better headspace. At least now I wasn't dead. I did wish I'd brought some pajamas and a toothbrush, though.

 

A hand pulled the curtain aside, and I flinched before I realized it was Aether, back from whatever he'd been doing. He purred softly at the sight of me, causing me to blush, and climbed in beside me, taking a moment to deposit my backpack in the drawer underneath the bunk. I could hear others clambering into their own bunks; it had to be later than I realized, or the demonic clergy kept early hours.

 

I giggled, with mild hysteria, and Aether spoke in my head with a tinge of worry. _Are you all right?_

 

“I'm fine,” I assured him. “just thought of something funny.”

 

He didn't seem to believe me, but he kept quiet and pulled me down next to him, wrapping one heavy arm around me. The blush grew hotter as I felt his chest collide with my back, and he pulled the blankets over the both of us up to his chin and almost covering my head. The last time I had slept this close to another person was when I was a child, I was sure. Did any of the others share their bunks, whether with one of their own or someone like me? The Third once had a harem of sorts, I knew, and the Second hadn't needed one the way people threw themselves at him, but as far as I knew no one had ever said the Cardinal had arrangements like that; or for that matter, whether the ghouls shared flesh with others besides their own.

 

Honestly, the attempt at sleeping was pleasant; Aether was warm enough that I didn't feel cold despite the thin blankets, and I'd never realized before how nice it felt to be held by another person in bed. His touch was comforting, and I felt like I belonged in his arms. To some extent, his presence kept the darkest thoughts from entering my head.

 

When I started crying again, my emotions still wild, I tried as best as I could to keep silent and still, but as we were lying together, he obviously noticed. The sound of fabric shifting echoed off the confining walls, and he pulled me closer, hot breath tingling the back of my neck. He must have removed the mask, I realized dimly, though most of my brain power was taken up by the hyperawareness of every place our bodies touched, as well as cataloging any minute sensations that resulted from said touch.

 

_I promise, you will be all right,_ he murmured. _I will protect you, care for you. You are safe with me._

 

“Can you protect me from my own mind?” I whispered, my shoulders shaking; he huffed softly and turned me over with a gentle hand. His black gaze met mine, sharp teeth digging into his lip; he frowned, but then leaned down and kissed my forehead.

 

_I'll do my damnedest, if you will too._

 

I took a shuddering breath, then another, and nodded, forcing myself to hold back my tears. Aether smiled softly at me, drawing a strand of my hair behind me ear, and before I lost my sudden courage I stretched up and kissed him. He started, and for a moment I was afraid, but then he slid a hand into my hair and deepened it, a steady purr starting in his chest. We stayed like that, lips moving against each others', until my lungs protested and I had to pull minutely back.

 

“I'll try,” I mumbled against his lips. “I'm so fucking scared, Aether, but I'll try.”

 

_You'll try, and you'll succeed._

 

He kissed me again, arms wrapped around me, and I felt peace.

 

**Author's Note:**

> Fun fact: I've spent so much time on this story that this reader/OC has taken on a life of their own.


End file.
